Tears in Heaven
by IrishMunkeDracoMalfoy
Summary: SLASH.Draco mourns over his loss of Harry. He painfully attempts to rekindle things, and come to terms with himself. Seq. to The Sorrows of May
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer- As you all should know, none of the characters in this fic belong to me. They all belong to J.K Rowling, the author of Harry Potter. *cough* The only thing I am entitled to, is the plot and possibly any additional characters. Thank you for not suing me. 

Summary- This is a story from the P.O.V of Draco Malfoy. He tells about his loss of Harry, and how he tries whole-heartedly to reclaim him. It's almost like a diary, or the reader knowing what's in his mind. Draco battles the issue of trying to get Harry, yet hate him for what he did to him at the same time. I hope you enjoy it, and it doesn't bore you too much.

BTW, the song within this story is called "White Flag", by Dido.

And so, on with the story. Oh, and, please don't forget to review. I won't go on (unless I've got determination) if I don't know someone's reading it. So, thank you if you do review. It's much appreciated!

**Chapter Title- Admittance**

 ***

_I know, you think that, I shouldn't still love you,_

_Or tell you that. But, if I didn't say it, would I still have felt it?_

_Where's the sense in that?_

          The burning in my heart is yet to cease. I cannot begin to explain the indescribable pain that has stricken me. It's dreadful for me to even remember why I hurt; thus, I've created a wall around the memory, hoping to block it out forever. My loss…my dearest, most valuable possession. I've lost it…lost it to my foolishness. The suffering, the hatred, and most of all, the pain, will never go away. I wish to forgive, but, for me…forgiving is forgetting. I cannot forget what he's done to me…he who has made me feel more emotion than I ever wanted to. I never asked to feel…to feel weak. To feel love. To feel hurt, and sick. I never, ever asked to feel hate! I may have felt hate…but I never wanted to feel it, never wanted to have to feel it, never wanted to feel it for only one person in particular.

          Why? Why in the name of Merlin did he have to do this to me, when I'd opened up to him, and showed him who I was? He saw my weaknesses, saw that I was vulnerable, and in need of attention. All along, he'd criticized me, without me knowing. All along, he'd been repulsed by me. Wanting more than anything to rid of me. But, I was too naïve to know…know that he did not want what I had to offer. And yet, I want more than anything to have him back. I want now, to have him hold me again. Pretend he loves me again, and fake the possessive behaviour again. Missing this makes me ill, and thoughts run through my head. Thoughts that I wish to not think, but cannot help. I want to cry, oh, God, do I want to cry. But, no, I won't. Malfoys' do not cry. Ever. No matter how unbearable the pain, we do not cry. 

_I promise I'm not trying to make your life hurt,_

_Or return to where we were._

_But I will go down with this ship, but I won't put mines up_

_And surrender. There will be no white flag above my door._

_I'm in love, and always will be._

          All I'd wanted was for him to open up to me, show me that he cared for me, as I did for him. Being cold to me, did nothing! It didn't do any good, Harry. I can't believe you used me the way you did, I can't. I don't want to. I won't believe that you used me. I refuse to accept the fact that you, a reject wizard, disowned me, a pureblood Malfoy! I'm a mess…I hate admitting to still loving you, God, how I do. Still, I pretend to hate you when in public. You don't even know that it's fake, and I'm sure you've assumed I truly do despise you. I do, though. I do loathe you, and for what you did to me. Don't you think for one minute, that it didn't faze me. I'm **not** over this yet. I never will be, until you're mine again. Of that you can be sure of.

_I know I left too much mess and destruction, to come back again._

_I caused nothing but trouble, I understand if you can't talk to me again._

_And if you live by the rules, how it's over, than I'm sure that that makes sense._

_***Flashback***_

_Draco and Harry are on the edge of the dark forest, just besides the lake, deep into the night. It is May 23rd, and a Saturday._

          I ran a finger through the water, rippling it softly, before skipping a couple of rocks across it. Looking around, I noticed you edging along the dark forest; you were obviously trying to come unseen. Smiling to myself, I headed towards you, noticing you hesitating coming close; I quickened my pace. When I reached you, your expression was vacant. I did not see a loving look, nor one of admiration or romance. I myself fell ashen, afraid you may have come baring something I did not want to see or hear. I did not know that in the future, you would. 

          "Hello, Draco" you said sweetly, your face still proving otherwise. I smiled weakly, having had lost the happiness within me at the moment.

          "Harry", I greeted.

          "What're you doing out here tonight?"

          "I should ask the same. But, from the looks of it, you obviously thought I'd be out here?"

          "Blaise told me you weren't in your dorm, and I knew you hadn't been in the Great Hall, so I figured you came out to our spot" you said, dropping your gaze to my eyes. I couldn't help but feel a blush come over me, thinking that you'd actually been concerned about me and my whereabouts. Blushing because you'd still called the lake, "our spot". How wrong I was to think you'd ever care. 

          "Oh…well, I guess…er…" I didn't know what to say. At times like these, I never did. Suddenly, I felt your fingertips whisking across my jaw line, and taking final position on my cheek. The blush came back, and to stop you from removing your delicate fingers, I placed my hand over yours. I pressed it firmly against my cheek, feeling the warmth of your flesh against me. Soon, I noticed you'd been smiling at me, your eyes finally showing that passion I'd so desired. Or was it a hateful passion? Either way, I was totally oblivious to knowing how you'd felt. I never knew, only thought I did. To you, I was obsolete. For this moment, I ignored all this, and only paid attention to the kiss you'd planted on my parted lips. No, this wasn't supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to throw your heart and soul into that kiss. I wasn't used to this. Why? Why had you set me up like that, making me think you'd finally loved me honestly? I don't like being led on. But I allowed you to Harry. I allowed you to. I wasn't supposed to feel you in that kiss and you weren't supposed to put yourself in it. But, I couldn't resist it. I didn't want to. I loved every moment of it, and hated when we parted. 

_But I will go down with this ship, and I won't put mines up_

_And surrender. There will be no white flag above my door._

_I'm in love, and always will be._

What happened next, though, oh do I love remembering, though it sickens me. The memory of you doing to me what you did, sickens me. But, I loved it, and still do. I'm going to fall asleep tonight, replaying over and over in my mind the night you'd made love to me for the last time. I'm going to fall asleep tonight, with a small, weak smile on my face. I want to cry again, but refuse to do so…I love you Harry. That's enough to cry about.

_And when we meet, which I'm sure we will._

_All that was there will be there still._

_I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue._

_And you will think that I've moved on._

_But I will go down with this ship, and I won't put mines up_

_And surrender. There will be no white flag above my door._

_I'm in love, and always will be._

_I will go down with ship, and I won't put mines up,_

_And surrender. There will be no white flag above my door._

_I'm in love, and always will be._

**Authors Note:** Okay, people, so what'd you think? I know, I could've done better, and that's why I want you to review! I want you, dear people, to tell me what to change, and all that good stuff. Let me know what you like, and didn't. I don't mind the constructive criticism, and please, no flames. Anyhow, I hope you liked it. I love that song, too, don't you? Ha, well, I'll be updating on this very soon, hopefully, I'll be updating every other day. But, school will be starting, and I don't know if that'll 


	2. For every rain drop comes a memory

New chapter everyone, as you all may see. You know the deal; I don't own this, have no copyrights, and I have no such publications; all these things are entitled to J. K. Rowling, though, you must try and give me a little bit of credit for creativity, right? No? Okay, well, I tried. A snippet of a favorite quote, if you would please.

_"Two boys sat together, admiring the forest. The first boy says to the second: "I am wiser than you. I have felt more pain and know of more than you shall in two lifetimes." The second boy smiled and kindly said: "You are none the more wiser than that oak tree right there." he pointed. The first boy looked puzzled, and then commented: "You have not felt suffering, wisdom comes from such things." The second boy laughed and then said: "Wisdom comes from thy heart!"_

And so it goes, as all was planned. And then it came, the evil sand man! Hint, hint: I'M TIRED, MY PEOPLE! Please excuse errors of all kinds.

~~**~~

            I awoke to the sound of water hitting a pan. It was raining. As I climbed out of bed, the same bed you'd slept in, I walked to the window, and put my hand to it. I followed the rain drops that raced each other to the ledge of my window. You loved the rain. You would always run out into it carelessly, dancing with your head thrown back and your arms spread out. Your mouth would be wide open, the sound of laughter fleeing from it every second you were out there. I always took time in watching you from my window. I knew you saw me watching. I knew you were dancing for me.

            My face felt dry in straight lines from my eyes down to my cheeks. They tasted salty, the streaks, and I knew right away what they were. I let myself down. I gave into you. I cried. Cried myself to sleep, thinking and reminiscing about you. You always made me do what I didn't want to. Out of the goodness of my heart, I gave in, though. Your beauty fooled me. Each time we were together, I couldn't tell which was worse; not knowing how you felt, or knowing exactly how you felt. I remember still the first time you kissed me. I wondered, is it worse to let a fool kiss you, or to let a kiss fool you?

            I dressed myself slowly this morning. Not looking in the mirror. My confidence and arrogance have left me. I have no reason to show off, or put myself on display anymore. Every morning I've awoken to dress myself, glance at my image, and leave. I no longer care to look gorgeous for anyone. For you. It matters not how narcissistic my behavior is, or how malicious a smirk I'm wearing is. Did you know I don't smile anymore? I have no reason to. The once bright, silver eyes are a dull and flat gray. There is no more happiness in the once beautiful orbs. You used to tell me you loved my eyes. I knew you didn't, though. It was just another pretty white lie to make me feel like something. A friend. You were my first real friend. You were the first person to love me.

            "Everyone's always got that person who makes life worth living" you once told me. I think back on that and can't help but scoff. Who was your special person, Harry? It surely was not me. There is no way it was. I still remember that first day I tried to work a relationship with you, and you so bitterly denied me. Could you not see my mask? Could you not see the elastic string on the side of my face, attached to a plastic frown? You were just a young boy, then…As was I. You and I both were blind. I can't help but sigh right now, and wipe a hand over my eyes as tears fall. Tears don't bring people back. I especially don't want pity…Granger and Weasley give me enough of that these days. Old words…who needs them?

~~**~~

            "You really ought to lighten up, Malfoy", you said, holding your books close to your side, eyeing my as you walked towards your next class. I did not make eye contact with you. Is that what you meant? You wanted me to loosen up with _you? Who were you to me but an enemy? Oh, I loved you…_

            "I don't have to do anything you recommend, Potter. Besides, what does it concern you what my attitude is? It didn't matter too much then. Or did it? Now that I recall it…you most certainly were concerned what my 'issue' was whenever I was surly." Why was I so cruel to you? Did you even notice?

            "Jeez…come off it, will you? I was just saying…I think it'd be…well, you know, better for the school if you showed some emotion". Showed emotion? Showed some emotion? Have I not done that with _you, _Harry?! Have I not tried to show you anything BUT emotion?! Blind…I'm trying to remember; you were just a young boy…you and I both were blind.

            "I-…who are…" I stuttered…I couldn't believe you had said that. Figures; you always were oblivious to my feelings. I was turning for my classroom when you so rudely cut in front of me. 

            "What are you doing?" I said, trying to sound harsh, but failed miserably. How could I be anything but sweet to you? Your eyes dropped to your feet. _Oh, please, my beautiful raven haired boy; look at me with those same eyes. My wish, somehow, was granted. Why? Why did you do what you did to me?_

            "Sorry…it's just that…well…will you come by my commons room tonight? Say, about 11:00 pm-12:00 am?" I looked at you doughy eyed. "I know, I know; it's after hours, yeah…It's just, I don't want Ron and Herm to freak out if they see you. Or, anyone else for that matter". What could I say? I nodded and walked off. I could feel your soul lift.

~~**~~

**Damnit. **Only word. One word. You pulled my string. You unraveled me. God, you're beautiful. That night I went to visit you, I had to make up a twisted lie; I told my fellow dimwitted Slytherin occupants that I had to go over to someone in Ravenclaw on a random yet so perfectly planned shag. Little did they know, as well as you, that I had so intended to replace Ravenclaw with Gryffindor. I prepare myself for you. I bathed much longer, heavily perfumed myself and neatly did my hair; much more precise than normally. I raced through the dungeons, looking over my shoulder to make sure no one had been following me, making sure I was heading towards the Ravenclaw tower; they weren't. I smiled as I ran up the steps, the neighboring pictures all looking at me wonderedly, and Nearly Headless Nick greeted me nervously, and to his surprise and mine, I smiled and waved, shouting "Hello, Sir. Nicholas!" to him as I continued my run towards you.  My light; my bright, shining God of Love. Finally I reached your houses' portrait; the fat lady. I realized suddenly that I didn't know the password. I cursed myself repetitively. Had I just ruined the best moment of my life, or not? I never bothered to ask, but then again, you didn't make effort to tell me did you?

Hope. It was brought a life as I saw you standing three feet or so away from me. I could tell my eyes brightened as you neared me, and my lips parted to speak, and suddenly I was awe struck as you touched my hand. You whispered the password, unfortunately not audible enough for me to hear. Why didn't you want me to hear it, were you afraid I'd come and visit you during hours and embarrass you? Were you worried I'd come after hours-even worse- and try it on you? I only stutted this for a few moments before you held onto my hand once again, which suddenly fell limp in the palm of yours. 

We settled on a chair; a big, red, cushiony one that smelt of cinnamon and vanilla musk. I wondered if any of them were scents of you. The aromas lingered in the hairs of my nostrils all night, even as you spoke to me. Your first words; how I remember them so well. They both crushed me, like velvet, and lighted me like lightning. Which emotion was worse to feel, is hard to say.

            "I'm glad you came", you said, not looking at me. _Please look me…_

            "I almost didn't want to", I lied. I wanted every bit of this. I wanted more than anything to come and visit you alone; privately, exclusively. You smiled at me weakly; I knew you could sense my fear in being here. I knew you knew I hadn't spoken the truth when I said I didn't want to be here.

            "I…I have something I feel I should tell you, but…I'm afraid", you said, and I interrupted you.

            "Afraid of what?" You looked at me so painfully innocent, I had to shut my eyes and peer from behind my hair as it draped over my eyelids. How in the world did that happen? I gingerly tucked it behind my ear, and I noticed you look down at the carpet with great interest whilst biting your bottom lip. When you looked up to face me, your face was flushed. 

            "Were you blushing?" I asked mockingly, but showing a bit of humour in my voice. Oh, no…could you detect this? I didn't want to show you kindness, since you so harshly resisted it when offered willingly. A smile. That's what crept across your lips as you began to speak again. I hoped I was the cause of this.

            "Yes…I was…" Surprise. 

            "Well, what it is you need to tell me?" once again I made a failing attempt to sound perturbed, that you were taking all my precious time by sitting here in a serene silence. I saw your expression fall at my seemingly harsh words, and suddenly gave reassurance. 

            "Sorry…I didn't mean it to sound that way, I was just curious" I apologized. For you, my sweet, sweet virginal boy it was worth it.

            "Ha!" you scoffed. "A Malfoy apologizing?! What an account to factor in! I must be really special then, hm?" you said putting your knees on the couch and your hands as well. You moved forward, closer to me, your hands balled up into fists and your head hanging low. I looked at you questioningly, hoping and not wanting you to get closer. I wanted you to no end.

            "Yes." I said plainly. I should've said more.

            "Oy! I'm special to you, then, am I?" you said smiling wide, bouncing on your knees. I couldn't suppress my smile, and not only did I do that, but I also began to spill out giggles. You looked at me as a child would to its new surroundings. I realized what I was doing, and stopped suddenly. You put your hand on mine, and looked at me with a gentle expression etched across your features. My eyes dropped down to look at your tan fingers lying on top of my nimble, pale ones. Had you seen me looking with lust in my eyes? 

            "Er…sorry mate didn't mean to…"

            "No, it's okay"

            "Oh…well…I guess I can say what I wanted to…" and you stopped, looking as if thinking. I eagerly waited for your next words, and melted inside as you spoke them.         "Rather…show you", and hesitantly you leaned forward, and mechanically my eyes shut, and I waited for you. I waited for those soft, velvety lips to crush my own, claiming them as your own. And you had, so sweetly. Your tongue caressed my bottom lip, and your hand found my cheek. I parted my lips for you, and allowed your tongue to roam over my own, and explore my mouth. Amazing; simply amazing. I could not believe what was happening to me. To you; between us. I hoped this weren't a dream that truly was a nightmare if not. No, this did prove real. When your hand crept up my thigh, and I felt the sensations I did, I knew this was no dream, and it was in fact a beautiful reality.

~~**~~

Leaning against the cold stone wall that was my window, I marveled at the rain. So fast and hard it came down; it looked slightly dangerous. You never feared it though; you feared nothing. I don't know if that was to go forth as a strong suit, or if it was your weakness. Either way, I secretly admired you for it. Why did you give into my comments of mockery? How could you go through each day thinking me serious of those? I wish you knew I really loved you. Suddenly, I got the urge to run out there, half naked as you and I used to, and run freely. I wanted to be happy for some of my memories this morning. I wanted to remember you in a positive way, and act upon it pride fully. I grabbed my cloak and tossed it on, and ran out the room. I hurried down the stairs and was thankful no one was there to watch me in my sudden new mood. Gracefully, I slid through the doors in which you'd entered Hogwarts through. Rain. It met me with welcome arms; it reminded me bitterly of the way I thought you were. 

            As I spun childishly in the rain, my head cocked back and my arms spread out, catching the raindrops in my open mouth, I wondered if you could see me; wherever you were. I wondered if you'd be smiling and laughing at me, for mocking you so gently. I smiled and shut my eyes, to have images of you and to stop the tears from blurring my eyesight. My heart sighed immensely as I continued my naïve activity in the wonderful seasonal widespread rain.

I smiled for myself that day.

I smiled for you that day.

And, a bit of me wants to say that…I smiled for _us that day._

----

**A/N**: _Think it any good, hm? Let me know, please. It'd do me a lot of justice, if I could prove to Daria that people do in fact enjoy these sort of stories. I know it's been a very long time since I've updated, but, please, understand that most of us are still in school! Damn it to Hell, but try as I may, I can't escape it. *:major frown:* Anyhum, I hope you find this up to par; I know my friends (Brook ^-^) do. Au revoir!_

Love, the Author (Whip)


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